Last week I took off on my longest trip away from Rex yet and it was equally much needed for me personally and so heartbreaking to leave him at the same time. Actually to be completely honest, it was easy to leave him the first time (London! with friends!), what was way harder was leaving him for the second week in a row yesterday morning as he understood what was happening this time as I re-packed up my bag yet again. (Two work trips fell back-to-back which isn’t ideal but what are you going to do?) Moms and dads who travel regularly for work gosh I feel your heartbreak now. To make things even harder on me Rex said “mommy” for the first time the morning I left, tugging on my leg and crying “mommy no” as I was walking out the door. Waterworks! Watching him stand in the window waving goodbye (my nanny later texted me that he was saying “car car momma bye bye”) I wanted to run back in, scoop him up, and cancel my flight. Of course the mom guilt sets in but then I just kept reminding myself how good I feel when I continue to do things for myself outside of being Rex’s mom. You see the thing is I sorta lost my spark last year… (it’s the only way I know how to describe it).
Prior to having a baby when people mentioned postpartum depression or “loosing themselves” I thought, oh gosh that would never happen to me, I’m the most positive person yada yada. And it’s not that I was depressed but I kept trying to explain how I felt to my husband this whole past year… I love my life, I have the sweetest baby boy, I’m so happy and thankful, and yet at the same time some spark of my old self was missing. Have any other mamas felt this way?
I still have all of the same interests but my priorities shifted for sure this past year which in turn, I stayed home more than my wanderlust spirit would have liked. In one sense it was really good for me to be home more, to really embrace my local community and fall in love with our city, Sacramento. But I’ve also realized and learned how much I need to take these travel opportunities, the projects that inspire me… and make even just small daily things that I let slip this past year (ie: yoga! reading! time to think.) a priority. Because they all have such a huge impact on gaining that inner “spark” back.
Rex Status Update | I’ve since been texted many happy photos of him riding in his truck and I know he could actually care less that I’m gone now that grandma and Aunt Erica are there to play!